Toward the end of my hospital stay, when I was getting more awake too the whole experience, I was left with serious feelings of abandonment. I mean, here I had been following and serving Him all my life and this is is the result????? After believing His promises for so many years (I honestly believed I was healed of this cancer and would never have to deal with it again), and then I metastacized. How did this happen? If His Word is true, and if He doesn’t lie, and if He truly does love me, how the hell did this happen??? And even worse, if the healing promises are a lie, then what else in that Bible of mine is a lie? I mean, either it is all true, or it ain’t. Many folks like to pick and choose what they believe, and don’t believe in the BIble, but I don’t see it that way. If there are any promises in that book that are not true, then how are any of them true at all? See where I’m going here? If there are Biblical promises that are not true, then how do we know which ones are and which ones aren’t? So then, it was only a skip away to wonder if I’m really saved and going to heaven? See, if one thing isn’t true, is that thing true?? And how do you know? To me, either it all is, or it all isn’t.
I got so angry with God during that time. I railed, I cussed, I shook my fist, I screamed, I cried. I pretty much flung a big, fat temper tantrum. And I haven’t heard not one peep out of Him ever since. Now I know that He has big shoulders. I do not, for one minute, believe that He has turned His back and doesn’t love me any more, but I did pretty much feel like “if this is love, who the hell needs it?” My beloved mother used to say that if this was being the apple of His eye, she didn’t need that shit. Yup, my mom’s words. I was kind of feeling just like that.
This was not the first time I have been end-stage. I had been that way before when I first met Kurt Peterson. I nosed up and got back up to cruising altitude. But this time, I had been in a nosedive with my tail in flames, both engines burnt totally out. I came so close to my own demise that I was hardly aware of anything going on around me, even though I was conscious. My brother had arrived for a visit two days before going into the hospital and I don’t even remember his arrival. I don’t remember him getting out of the car, my hugging him, or even where I was in the house when he arrived. This was totally different.
As I had more and more realization of what had just happened to me, it just did not jive with my understanding of the character of God. There is no way I, as a parent, could stand idly by while my daughter suffered, cried, begged, screamed, mourned … I am aware He has done that before with His own Son … but He is God and I am not. This time, He watched me come really close to leaving this plane. And I thought it was torturous and sadistic. I mean, if it had been merciful, He could have shown me a little piece of what was ahead … one day. Or take me altogether. Shoot, I was right there. Many people have had that experience, and they come back here knowing what glory is there waiting for them, so they no longer fear their passing. I didn’t get tossed that little tidbit. Like how hard could that have been? I was right there … on the brink … how hard would it have been for GOD to either show me what was waiting there one day, or just take me on home so I would never have to experience this terror again?
And I was angry … oh was I ever angry! After all my trusting, believing, standing, praying, etc … this was what I got for my efforts? Screw that! So that’s where I was … pissed at God and He was just letting me be pissed. After all, He knew, before He ever created me, that I would be such a one … so if I didn’t cuss at him, did I really think I could fool myself into believing that He didn’t already know about it? Of course he did … He knows my every thought … created me to think the way I do … so if I can’t talk to Him about it, who can I talk to? So I did … but He didn’t see fit to answer. Thinking as a parent, neither did I when my daughter was flailing in the floor screaming. Then again, she was screaming because she wanted a cookie and I said no. I was screaming because I needed His presence … His reassurance … I mean one of the Biblical names for the Holy Spirit is Comforter … where is my freakin’ comfort???!!!
But in the desert, there is no comfort; there is no shade; there is no nourishment; there is no hydration. Just the stark, blistering sun, big spiders, cool lizards,and chilly nights. And dirt … lots and lots of dirt. But certainly nothing that I find life-giving. And I was suddenly smack in the middle of it.
Fast forward one year … because it was last Apr 11 when I was admitted to that hospital … my hair started falling out late last week … a week after my last chemo. I’m not sure how far it will go as I didn’t let it fall out naturally the first time. I knew that drug would take all my hair, so I took control of the situation and shaved it. The second time, I only expected thinning, which is what I got, but I stopped chemo in July and my hair was at its thinnest in Oct, so I have a delayed reaction of sorts. Given that, I have no idea what to expect … definitely very thin, but possibly all the way bald. It is coming out by the handful and much more painful than it was last time, so I don’t think it’s looking good for the home team. You will be watching it happen in pics.
Here is a shot of me in the ozone sauna that I will be doing later on today.