They have moved my TPN bags up to 1800 calories now, and not a moment too soon. I knew I was getting fluid back when I started the TPN but damn … my insides hurt so badly after the drain … and now it is even bigger than before. More bad things are happening too, like nothing is passing. I was afraid I had an obstruction like last year, so I went to see my onc on Friday. There were no bowel sounds and that wasn’t good. He rushed me over for an xray to see if I had either obstructed or had a condition called ilius where the peristaltic action stops working, so nothing moves through.
It was not an obstruction this time …. just nothing is moving at all. So the only solution is to treat the cancer and hope it backs off like it did last year. So we started weekly Taxotere Friday, right then and there. But I have been vomiting every evening for four nights now because nothing will pass, so it has to come back up. So I can honestly say I could not survive right now without this TPN; I am so thankful to have it. Tomorrow we have to make the trek to the Denver VA Hospital to meet with several practitioners and dietitians there in hopes of making the switch from my paying for it to the VA paying for it. And honestly, with the pain and vomiting I have been having, I dread it so bad. The only upside is that it is first thing in the morning, so my bad times typically come a bit later in the day. Let’s hope there is no deviation to that pattern tomorrow.
My biggest fear is that, having been exposed to eight different chemo drugs in three months, nothing is going to work. But I have to try, right? I just don’t know how many more rabbits I can pull out of my hat, though. And I know this blog is turning into quite the depressing read and I just don’t know what to say about that. It is what is it and if it gets too painful for you to follow, I understand. It’s getting a bit hard to stay snarky and upbeat these days. But hey, if I can get this cancer to respond to some treatment, that will all change in an instant!
So anyway, that’s where we are. Something we did today was to buy his and hers cremation packages from The Neptune Society I know it might sound macabre, but I don’t want to leave this for John and Erika when I leave. It was very reasonable … less than $3k … and no matter where I am in the world, they will pick up my body, cremate it, and return the ashes to my family. There is a lovely cherry wood box that the urn goes in. You can choose to return remains to family or have them scattered at sea. So not exactly a cheery shopping experience, but it was something that, though distasteful, was very necessary.
I have my next chemo treatment on Thursday. God please let things be opening up by then. I am just not ready to leave my loved ones yet! Sorry the news still ain’t so hot, but at least I do have nutrition (especially since I can’t eat at all) and a plan of attack!