Before I continue, please allow me to point out this is a story about my journey … the miraculous, good, the bad, the controversial, and the ugly. It may at times be shocking or alarming to some of you, but this is about my journey and what I am learning … and it might not match your experience and what you are learning. But that’s OK. We are each on a path and can only be where we are when we are there … no sooner and no later. I’m totally real and open about my experiences. So my apologies if some of you find this upsetting, but if YOU find it upsetting, imagine how I found it. Thankfully, God knew all about all of this before I was ever conceived. Thankfully, I did not … or did I? :) Now on to our previously scheduled program:
When I came out of that hospital, I felt so abandoned by God … so alone … where was He in all of this anyway? I had stood on His Word so hard, so relentlessly … and this was what I got for my efforts? Almost dead with multiple bowel obstructions and a belly full of cancer, weighing in at 99 pounds? He healed all their sick … except me?
I had never felt so alone. I have been Christian all my life and Spirit-filled since I was 9. I had never once experienced a time, even when I was at my very worst, running around promiscuously, drunkenly, and drugged to the gills, when He didn’t show up all over the place if I but whispered His name. But not now. I could scream His name and hear crickets. So it wasn’t as though I was angry and just gave God the silent treatment. I tried my best to talk to Him about it … after all, He’s the one who said, “Come, let us reason together.” But if He was reasoning with anyone, it certainly wasn’t me.
Couple that with what I had just experienced, and my obstinate personality, and that became one big period of “whatever” as far as God was concerned. No one had any answers for me … there are some things to which we just don’t have them. Not on this plane. Not my friends; not even my pastors. Everyone looked at me like a deer in the headlights when I explained how I had believed the healing promises that now appeared to be totally untrue … and if those promises were untrue, how could I even believe the promise of salvation, heaven, etc.? I never rejected my belief in a Creator; I just wasn’t sure what form He, or It, took any more. I had always been able to feel His presence in and around me, if I just tuned in … now there was nothing but tumbleweeds and howling wind. Didn’t matter how loud I screamed … didn’t matter how hard I begged … He was nowhere to be found and I was left with desolation and despair.
I still pinged Him, from time to time. By this time, I figured there was some reason I was plunged into such icy cold water and there was something I was to have learned from the whole experience. But I had no idea what that was … and I still wasn’t sure how I felt about God. I felt very betrayed on the deepest of levels. Not even the most intimate of worship music changed that. So I pretty much just didn’t think much about Him any more except for my feeble tries to get Him to communicate with me. Even when I was out in the woods, my favorite church of all, I felt gratitude but not to any one source in particular. Just grateful to be here, breathing, and able to enjoy my horse and trail riding for the first time in a couple of years. But God wasn’t really a part of my though processes any more.
The lights were on, but no one was home. I was in the wasteland alright … and no civilization in sight.